Alone but never lonely

I choose to become a positive person despite my negative surroundings but at times it becomes very difficult because in my situation being empathetic is only one sided and everybody’s mindset is hardwired differently but I’m not a victim, I won’t feel sorry for myself nor do I need pity.

I’m not going to make excuses, I have dreams and if I want to make them become a reality then I need to work extra hard on my content and craft.

I avoid trying to fillers such as um, uh, like and so on but it’s a challenge when people are very impatient for an answer.

I don’t have any siblings nor do I like to communicate with my relatives because they’re very judgmental, like to spread rumors, gossip and are very lethargic. Let’s just say that they aren’t the most encouraging people to be around. I get drained very easily when engaging in group activities or public speaking hence why I’m an introvert and a very demure person by nature.

I don’t know my father, the only thing that I know is that he has a family of his own, he lives overseas, has too many kids to count on both hands and he likes to call my mother time to time to see how she’s doing but never ask how I am. There’s a generational curse in my family both my mother and father side of their families where marriage doesn’t last and broken families are the norm. I don’t go church the last time I went I was probably 5 years old but I do my own prayers and readings.

This is going to sound funny but my mother always gets angry at me every day. She has to complain on something about me. I’m only doing university to give my mother some sort of satisfaction but internally i’m suffering with a mental burnout. I don’t necessarily like the subjects i’m studying but it’s okay I guess.

When she asked me what I wanted to be I told her exactly and she shot that idea down the drain and said it wasn’t realistic for a person like me. It really be your own family that instills fear and low self esteem before everyone else gets the chance to.

I would get bullied a lot when I was young. Well I’m still young now but when I was a child, you know what I mean lol. In primary school people I knew and didn’t know would make fun of my stuttering and because of this I developed a spirit of fear and I would eat a lot of junk food, this leading me to become overweight and depressed.

High school was the worst because now there was an additional problem to be bullied for; my stuttering and my appearance. I got verbally abused by my many tormentors which included my family, friends, classmates even my teachers. So I lost the weight, well I’m still working on it when I was 14, I was a size 16 and now I’m a size 12, so I’m still getting there, it’s a journey.

When high school ended I was able to move away from that kind of depressing environment and cut of all that negative energy. Although my home environment is the one I’m currently working on moving away from. I’m alone but I’m never lonely, if that makes sense?

If education is my only way out of poverty then so be it. Being in the limelight or presenting isn’t my thing, I’d rather work behind the scenes. My struggle is not my identity and I have to learn to enjoy the process of molding myself to become the best version of me; the good and bad.
Sometimes I wish I could just be mute to save myself the hassle of having to talk.

Real friends don’t exist in my current community and having a genuine person is really rare to find these days. I’ve suffered from anxiety, panic attacks, depression you name it but I still came this far.

It’s a journey and i’m still working on it. Even if I have to go through it alone that’s nothing new for me.

-your’s truly

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