Strolling Down Memory Lane

It looks like my prompt for today covers memories. This is both easy and awful all at the same time. I have a lot of gaps in my memory and I know it’s protective. There are so many times that my brain just blacked out because I was not able to handle what was happening. My brain still hasn’t unlocked those memories, and maybe that’s a good thing for now. I don’t know if I’m ready for everything I’ve repressed since I’m having a hard time with what I do remember.

My happiest childhood memory consists of my grandpa and I tango dancing in the living room. I had a toy keyboard with pre-set songs on it. One of those songs was listed as “tango”. I can picture us going back and forth with the same “tango move” over and over again and filled with laughter. He was and still is so special to me because he was the one man in my life that didn’t hurt me.

My saddest childhood memory… wow, there’s so many to choose from. I guess for the sake of this exercise and not trying to go into the worst of things here right now I have one in mind. I remember living with my mother and not having a lot of food. I remember one night when she had gone out for the night and I was left to fend for myself. I didn’t really know how to cook or anything because I was about 8 years old and didn’t exactly have a lot of instructions from anyone. I knew how to boil water though! So I planned to make myself plain pasta for dinner. I went to open the box of pasta, but there were dead bugs in it. Til this day, I still have to check every box of pasta prior to cooking it because I just have this fear of it being filled with bugs. I didn’t get to eat dinner that night. My mom didn’t come back til the next day. I remember feeling so incredibly sad and alone in that moment. Honestly… I felt that way often.

When did I feel the most scared and how does it affect me now? Man, I’m still scared all the time. I was having a panic attack a few mornings ago and I tried to verbally tell myself that I’m safe and I felt like the intensity of my anxiety multiplied. I guess I still don’t feel safe. I think I felt the most scared when I was maybe 8 or 9. Things are a little blurry. My mom’s boyfriend would often be home alone with me. But I remember one time that I heard him coming down the stairs. I knew it was him because my mom was at work and he was basically a free-loading abusive person to us. But she loved him. So he stayed. But anyway… I ran into the closet, and I hid myself behind all of my mothers clothing and just stayed quiet. It was one of those closets that was made of shudders so I could still kind of peak through. I remember seeing him walk into the apartment and look around. But then my mind goes blank. I can’t remember what happened that day. But just writing about it here has my heart racing and my chest hurting.

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